We Can Only Wish That Our Dad Was This Funny

I want to thank Justin Halpern’s girlfriend for dumping him.  I don’t know why she dumped him, but I want to thank her anyway.  You see, if the twenty-eight year-old Justin hadn’t been dumped by his girlfriend he would not have had to leave Los Angeles and  move back home with his seventy-three year-old father, Sam in San Diego, who the world is going to soon discover as one of the most colorful characters anywhere. 

To Justin, Sam is “like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair” and  he has an opinion on just about everything from Grape Nuts to a fear of waking up one day and only getting the USA Network on his television set.  (Which I would have to agree is a pretty nasty fear to have to live with). 

Justin is very much aware that his Dad is probably one of the funniest men anywhere – which is why after moving back home with his parents last August, Justin decided to set up a Twitter account called “Shit That My Dad Says”.  Working within the Twitter constrictions of 140 characters or lees – Justin began sharing some of his Dad’s hilarious thoughts and observations and within a month his Twitter page was an internet sensation. 

Brace yourself – Justin’s Twitter account has, as of this writing, over 1.3 million followers and it has spawned a book (on sale now at your favorite bookstore) that gives you some of the stories behind the tweets and paints a hilarious portrait of a pretty unique father-son relationship.  But, there’s more to this story – besides the successful Twitter account and the book – CBS is filming a pilot based on the book and the Tweets with William Shatner as his dad.

How funny is Justin Halpern’s dad?  I’ll let you be the judge.

“A parent’s only as good as their dumbest kid.  If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed.”

“I don’t get it; I sweat, I smell fine.  You sweat, you smell like mule shit….Relax, she’s on the treadmill next to you, she knows.”

“No, I’m not a pessimist.  At some point the world shits on everybody.  Pretending it ain’t shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist.”

“You can watch the house while I’m gone.  Just don’t call me unless something’s on fire, and don’t screw in my bed.”

“Mom is smarter than you…No?  Well, ask yourself this; has mom ever unknowingly had toilet paper hanging out of her ass?...Mom 1.  You 0.”

“It’s never the right time to have kids, but it’s always the right time for screwing.  God’s not a dumbshit.  He knows how it works.”

“The whole world is fueled by bullshit…What?  The kid asked me for advice on his science fair project so I’m giving it to him.”

“Everybody’s broke, so here’s the rule for Christmas this year; if you still shit your pants, you get a present.  Otherwise tough shit.”

“Nobody is that important.  They eat, shit, and screw, just like you.  Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems.”

“You worry too much.  Eat some bacon…What?  No, I got no idea if it’ll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon. 

“If mom calls, tell her I’m shitting…son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit.”

“That woman was sexy…Out of your league?  Son.  Let women figure out why they won’t screw you, don’t do it for them.”

“I wanted to see Detroit win.  I’ve been there.  It’s like God took a shit on a parking lot.  They deserve some good news.”

“I’m sitting in one of those TGI Friday’s places, and everyone looks like they want to shove a shotgun in their mouth.”

“The worst thing you can be is a liar…Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar.  Nazi 1, Liar 2.

“You know, sometimes it’s nice having you around.  But now ain’t one of those times.  Now gimmie the remote we’re not watching this bullshit.”

I’ve just given you a taste of some of the tweets that you’ll find at www.twitter.com/shitmydadsays or you can pick up a copy of the book at Barnes and Noble, Borders or Amazon.com.   And let’s cross our fingers that the nimrods at CBS buys the pilot so we can watch William Shatner deliver some of the philosophical musings of Sam Halpern every week.  Wouldn't you watch this show to see William Shatner playing a cantankerous but funny old fart?  It would be "must see TV" in my house. 


Update:  Since this post was originally posted -- CBS has announced at its recent upfront meetings with advertisers and the media that they have picked up "Shit My Dad Says" with William Shatner for the fall 2010 season.  The show will be called "#@%& My Dad Says" in all announcements for the show and not the original title of the book and the Twitter page.

This Week on Oprah: It's A Thumbs Up For Roger Ebert

(Photo: Ethan Hill © Esquire Magazine/Hearst Publications)

As we say good-bye to the month of February – it’s time to adjust the rabbit ears and our digital tuner boxes for a look at the world of television in this edition of “Frost Bites” (or should it be ‘bytes’ since we are being digitally correct).

Roger Ebert has been writing about and reviewing movies for the last thirty years for the Chicago Sun-Times – but he’s probably better known for his thumbs up and thumbs down reviews on the nationally televised “At The Movies” movie review show that he hosted with the late Gene Siskel.

In 2002, Ebert was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and over the last eight years he has gone through more surgeries than even he can remember. Because of all of the surgeries that he has gone through in the last four year, Roger Ebert can no longer speak, eat or drink and his lower jaw has been surgically removed. After all of that you might think that Roger Ebert would want to give up on life, but you'd be wrong. As a matter of fact, it's because of all that he's gone through that has a better appreciation of life and is living life to its fullest; and although we don't see him on TV anymore, he continues to shares his thoughts about movies in his reviews and life in general on a blog he writes for the Chicago Sun-Times.

The current issue of Esquire with Leo DeCaprio on the cover features an excellent article about Roger Ebert by Chris Jones. You might be startled by the photo of Ebert, but you’ll be uplifted by his resilience against all odds. If you can’t find this month’s Esquire on your newsstand – click on to the following line and read the article online (which also includes a link to Ebert’s blog): http://www.esquire.com/features/roger-ebert-0310

In the Esquire article, there is a mention of a Scottish software company named CereProc that is helping Ebert to “get his voice” back – in a digital way. CereProc has been cataloging the vast amount of vocal recordings of Ebert’s voice that are available for a software program that will allow his own voice to be heard when he types out messages on his computer keyboard. Get ready to set your DVRs, because Roger Ebert’s voice via CereProc – will be able to be heard for the first time in public on Oprah (4:00pm Tuesday, March 2 and repeated 1:05am Wednesday, March 3 on WXYZ-Channel 7, Detroit).

On the lighter side…..I don’t know about you, but TV hasn’t been the same for me since Denny….Denny Crane and his “Boston Legal” law firm was shut down by ABC nearly two years ago. I know that Denny’s alter ego, William Shatner, got a half-hour interview show on cable’s Biography channel, but that’s just not enough Shatner for all of us who miss his hi jinx with James Spader and their late night sleepovers. Well, I’ve got good news for you…according The Hollywood Reporter…CBS has given the ok for a new comedy pilot being produced by “Will and Grace” creators David Kohan and Max Mutchnick. Shatner will be playing a Dad who says some wacky things in this pilot with the working title of “Shit My Dad Says” (which it’s safe to assume will be changed if CBS picks up the show after the pilot is shot).

And for those folks who miss “Boston Legal” and don’t own the complete Boston Legal boxed DVD set – those folks at TVLand have picked up reruns of the show and have added them to their schedule. As they say in TVLand – check your local listings for time and channel number.

TVLand has also added the Ray Romano sitcom “Everyone Loves Raymond” to their schedule and TNT last week aired the season finale on Romano’s new critically acclaimed comedy/drama “Men of A Certain Age”. TNT has yet to announce whether or not that they are picking the show up for a new season – but it’s a safe bet that they will. In the meantime – should they re-run the show this spring – I urge you to watch it. I’m not going out on a limb when I say that “Men of A Certain Age” is probably the best show on television today. I predict that the writing alone will win awards for them at Emmy award time and if the actors aren’t awarded statues for their work on the show – then I would demand a recount.

If you’ve been watching the Winter Olympics coverage on NBC – you’ll probably well aware that Jay Leno will be returning to the Tonight Show this month after dropping a gigantic turd during his prime-time run. He’s lined up a couple of interesting guests for his first week back – that’s if you consider Sarah Palin to be interesting.

We haven’t heard a whole lot from Conan O’Brien – who some feel (including yours truly) that Leno screwed to get the Tonight Show. O’Brien – who many expect to have a new talk show on another network by year’s end – can do any interviews or any television shows until September because of an agreement that he worked out with NBC, but they didn’t say anything about Twitter.

Conan O’Brien is now on Twitter (www.twitter.com/conanobrien) His Twitter bio reads: “I had a show. Then I had a different show. Now I have a Twitter account.”

And what is Conan tweeting?

Tweet #1: Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial. Somebody help me.

Tweet #2: This morning I watched Remington Steele while eating Sugar Smacks out of a salad bowl. I was naked.

And Tweet #3: Today I connected all the freckles on my arm with a Sharpie. It spells out RIKSHAZ9LIRK. Clearly I am The Chosen One.

That’s going to do it for this edition -- keep your TV set on and remember to live by the TV motto: By the glow of the cathode tube – there's better living through more channels.

A Twitter Picture

The woman in the picture above isn't country music star LeAnn Rimes -- although she looks a little bit like her. Nope, this woman just happens to be the daughter of a U.S. Senator and last year's Republican candidate for President of the United States. Ladies and Gentlemen, thanks to her posting this picture on her Twitter page, let me introduce you to Meghan McCain. Nice picture, huh?

Why did she post this picture? Good question and one she answered a couple of days later in her column at thedailybeast.com.

Meghan writes:

"Could it be it's because I have breasts? Because for those of you who didn't know, I have two. They're larger than some women's and not as big as others. I don't usually show off my cleavage—as I did in the photos I posted—which I will admit is not the smartest thing I have ever done.

For years I have struggled to accept the fact that the way I look in a tank top comes off more “sexual” than a flat-chested woman. And once again I was reassured by the media that someone with my cup size should always be covered up. Or what, I’ll be seen as a slut? It’s pathetic we can come so far in so many ways, but when Rep. Aaron Schock or Rep. Jeff Flake post pictures of themselves without their suits on—and their shirts, for that matter—they are proclaimed “hotties.” But put me in a tank top and I am suddenly an embarrassment to the Republican Party and women everywhere. The double standard is infuriating.

It's amazing what you can learn. And I've certainly endured my share of harsh comments from those who follow me. But yesterday was the first time it really wasn't fun. It's not easy to be called a slut. But I'm not giving up my Twitter just yet—I'm just going to be more judicious in how I use it. At the end of the day, I am a work in progress. I am not perfect and have never given anyone the assumption that I am. I turn 25 next week and I am still adjusting to the glare of the spotlight and making mistakes.

This is the last time I’ll ever address this non-scandal but at the very least I hope other girls can learn from this episode before they post any kind of photo online. I know I have learned a valuable lesson about the Internet and the boundaries between personal and public use with social media.

I just wanted to get that off my chest."

What more can I say? I would never in my life call Meghan McCain "a slut", but posting that picture is probably one of the dumbest things that she has ever done. Meghan, you of all people know how politics and the media works and you should have known that posting a picture like this just gives the media a reason to get you off of any other message that you wanted to get out to the public.

And I'll be honest with you -- I'm a normal guy and I enjoyed looking at the picture -- but it sure was stupid to post it on your Twitter page. Lesson learned and life goes on.