Saturday, May 08, 2010

We Can Only Wish That Our Dad Was This Funny

I want to thank Justin Halpern’s girlfriend for dumping him.  I don’t know why she dumped him, but I want to thank her anyway.  You see, if the twenty-eight year-old Justin hadn’t been dumped by his girlfriend he would not have had to leave Los Angeles and  move back home with his seventy-three year-old father, Sam in San Diego, who the world is going to soon discover as one of the most colorful characters anywhere. 

To Justin, Sam is “like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair” and  he has an opinion on just about everything from Grape Nuts to a fear of waking up one day and only getting the USA Network on his television set.  (Which I would have to agree is a pretty nasty fear to have to live with). 

Justin is very much aware that his Dad is probably one of the funniest men anywhere – which is why after moving back home with his parents last August, Justin decided to set up a Twitter account called “Shit That My Dad Says”.  Working within the Twitter constrictions of 140 characters or lees – Justin began sharing some of his Dad’s hilarious thoughts and observations and within a month his Twitter page was an internet sensation. 

Brace yourself – Justin’s Twitter account has, as of this writing, over 1.3 million followers and it has spawned a book (on sale now at your favorite bookstore) that gives you some of the stories behind the tweets and paints a hilarious portrait of a pretty unique father-son relationship.  But, there’s more to this story – besides the successful Twitter account and the book – CBS is filming a pilot based on the book and the Tweets with William Shatner as his dad.

How funny is Justin Halpern’s dad?  I’ll let you be the judge.

“A parent’s only as good as their dumbest kid.  If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed.”

“I don’t get it; I sweat, I smell fine.  You sweat, you smell like mule shit….Relax, she’s on the treadmill next to you, she knows.”

“No, I’m not a pessimist.  At some point the world shits on everybody.  Pretending it ain’t shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist.”

“You can watch the house while I’m gone.  Just don’t call me unless something’s on fire, and don’t screw in my bed.”

“Mom is smarter than you…No?  Well, ask yourself this; has mom ever unknowingly had toilet paper hanging out of her ass?...Mom 1.  You 0.”

“It’s never the right time to have kids, but it’s always the right time for screwing.  God’s not a dumbshit.  He knows how it works.”

“The whole world is fueled by bullshit…What?  The kid asked me for advice on his science fair project so I’m giving it to him.”

“Everybody’s broke, so here’s the rule for Christmas this year; if you still shit your pants, you get a present.  Otherwise tough shit.”

“Nobody is that important.  They eat, shit, and screw, just like you.  Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems.”

“You worry too much.  Eat some bacon…What?  No, I got no idea if it’ll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon. 

“If mom calls, tell her I’m shitting…son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit.”

“That woman was sexy…Out of your league?  Son.  Let women figure out why they won’t screw you, don’t do it for them.”

“I wanted to see Detroit win.  I’ve been there.  It’s like God took a shit on a parking lot.  They deserve some good news.”

“I’m sitting in one of those TGI Friday’s places, and everyone looks like they want to shove a shotgun in their mouth.”

“The worst thing you can be is a liar…Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar.  Nazi 1, Liar 2.

“You know, sometimes it’s nice having you around.  But now ain’t one of those times.  Now gimmie the remote we’re not watching this bullshit.”

I’ve just given you a taste of some of the tweets that you’ll find at or you can pick up a copy of the book at Barnes and Noble, Borders or   And let’s cross our fingers that the nimrods at CBS buys the pilot so we can watch William Shatner deliver some of the philosophical musings of Sam Halpern every week.  Wouldn't you watch this show to see William Shatner playing a cantankerous but funny old fart?  It would be "must see TV" in my house. 

Update:  Since this post was originally posted -- CBS has announced at its recent upfront meetings with advertisers and the media that they have picked up "Shit My Dad Says" with William Shatner for the fall 2010 season.  The show will be called "#@%& My Dad Says" in all announcements for the show and not the original title of the book and the Twitter page.

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