You've Got (Junk) E-mail

I use to think that the post office delivered too much junk mail to my mail box – but I discovered that it’s nothing to the amount of junk mail that’s e-mailed to me each and every day.

I don’t care what kind of filters you have set up for your e-mail account – you can’t avoid the junk mail. I am amused sometimes by the various ways people hide their true identity so that they can pitch discount drugs, penis enlargement devices and creams and pills to keep an erection harder longer (or is that longer harder…I dunno). I don’t know one person who has ever bought any of the products that are part and parcel of the junk mail people receive on the internet, but you know that there is got to be someone out there who has, because these people wouldn’t be trying so hard to get us to buy if someone hadn’t purchased their products.

I think that every e-mail account that has ever been created has had that e-mail delivered to it with the news from South Africa, (or some place like that), informing us that we could be a part of a million dollar settlement from someone with the same last name as ours. All that you have to do to stake your claim was to wire something like ten thousand dollars to this guy to get the ball rolling on the legal paper work. Yeah! I don’t know about your family – but the Frost side of my family is not exactly known for having money…especially money hidden away in some South African country. The person writing this e-mail would more likely find government cheese and peanut butter in a Frost family safety deposit box before they found millions of dollars in cash. So, I instantly hit the delete button any time I see one of those e-mails in my computer’s mailbox.

There’s another type of e-mail that has always amazed me – only because I know the people sending them are intelligent and rational people – yet they fall victim to what is essentially an internet chain letter. I don’t care how many people you can convince to forward your e-mail to other people – a special message is not going to pop up on your computer screen and Bill Gates is not going to send you money; and you won’t be getting a twenty-five dollar gift certificate to the Olive Garden, Chili’s, Red Lobster, Wal-Mart or Target – if ten or a hundred people respond to your e-mail. It just ain’t gonna happen, folks – get real!

Another e-mail that instantly gets deleted from my e-mail are messages from people sending me their testimonies on how they have found God and how much better my life would be if I accept Him into my life. I’m happy that my friends have found God (personally, I never thought he was lost), but I get a little pissed off when they start to force their belief in God on me.

There’s another category of e-mail that I find puzzling and it’s the God chain-letter. What’s puzzling about these e-mails are what they are really saying….such as if I send this e-mail to so many people that God will bless me riches and good health. I don’t know about your God, but my God doesn’t grant people things by how many people I can get to answer a chain letter e-mail…my God blesses those who believes. Which brings up another interesting question – is God a PC or a Mac? And if God owns an I-Pod – wouldn’t you like to know what apps he has downloaded? I’m getting off the subject – I’m sorry.

And how many times have we received that email that contains an article “supposedly” written by comedians Jay Leno or late George Carlin that you know these people have never written or said in their entire life-time. George Carlin wrote the brilliant comedy bit about the “Ten Words You Can’t Say On Television”, I’m sure that he wouldn’t waste his time writing some right-wing rant and rave – he would have left something like that to some no-talent, like Dennis Miller. (Remember when Dennis Miller was actually funny?)

I am guilty of sending political e-mails to my friends – but I have cut back on those only because I know that what ever I send out to people it’s not going to convince them to change their political beliefs. What frustrates me about some of the political e-mails that I receive these days is how hateful the political discourse has gotten in the last couple of years. It’s hard to believe that I know people who still question President Obama’s place of birth, but I do and they’re never going to give up on that belief.

I also get e-mails from people about what’s happening in Arizona with their new immigration law. The e-mails address everything but what the law really does – which makes racial profiling legal and lets law enforcement officials ask anyone for proof of citizenship if you think that you might be an illegal. Will this law save any lives? Probably not. Will it stop illegal aliens from entering our country to find work? Probably not – if you want to do that – force the companies that hire the illegal aliens to quit hiring them and force them to hire legal citizens and pay them a decent wage and benefits – that’s not going to happen either because they need the cheap labor. If you want to discuss the immigration problem with me – don’t send me e-mails full of your rhetoric and vitriol that include racist depictions of what you think Mexican people look like – because I’m going to delete your e-mail quicker than it takes Sarah Palin to say “Gotcha” at some tea party gathering.

Yup…there’s a lot of junk being delivered to e-mail boxes all across the internet and the best thing about receiving them is that you can delete them before they take up too much valuable space in your e-mailbox. I mean, you have got to make sure that you have enough space in your e-mail account for all of the fart jokes – I mean – if there is one thing that we all need it’s that special e-mail that describes all of the various kinds of farts one makes…it’s not only funny to read, but it provides a very valuable service to all of its readers…giving names to our farts…and don’t get me started on the need for more dick jokes.

Well, I’ve got to go and check my e-mail. Ta – Ta!