You Know What They Say About Hat Size

Please help me.

I am one of those people who should never wear a baseball cap, because it makes me look like I'm the dumbest human being on the planet earth. Forget that I have a cigarette up my nose. I still look like a tard in a baseball cap -- but I love baseball caps.

I got a few of them and when the mood is right -- I'll put one of them on and I won't take it off for nothing.

There's one thing in life that my girlfriend and I can agree on -- I look dumb in a baseball cap and she wouldn't mind if I never wore a baseball cap for the rest of my life.

When we have one of those "take off the cap" arguements -- I tell her -- "I know I look dumb in a baseball game...but I like them. I also know that I would look dumber than dumb in a pair of speedos -- be grateful that I'm not sporting a pair of those on my fat ass right now because I don't think your stomach could handle it."

Hey, I have the sense to spare the general public what they don't need to see. I like wearing shorts and I'll wear them in the privacy of my own home -- but you will never catch me in public wearing a pair of shorts.

I like tank tops -- but with these handsome set of "man boobs" -- I don't feel that the general public should be granted the right to see such a display -- if only some other people felt the same way. Do 200 pound women with boobs that should be assigned their own person zip code be allowed to wear a tube top in the summer? No! There should be a law against chubby women trying to wear hip hugger pants. Do these people ever look at a mirror before they walk outside.

Hey....guys..here's a news flash for you -- most of you jerks with your shirts off this summer -- put them back on -- you're not impressing that blimpo in the hip huggers and I'm sure that you don't want to have anything to do with that woman in the tube top who probably would be interested in you.

And..do me a favor. If you ever see me outside with my hat on....you can go ahead and call me a retard...I can handle it...my fashion statement is just a temporary thing...it's not a lifestyle statement.